The post you have all been waiting for...

The decision is made.

yes.

Yes.

YES...

He said yes!!! He said yes!!! We are officially applying to adopt!!!

I never thought I'd get to type that sentence.

Thank you all for the countless prayers and support. Without you, I'd be locked up in a mental institution right now.

I'm going to get to be a mom. Oh my...God is so good. My heart already feels lighter!!!!

Low, low, low...

(R.E.M)

That is my heart. And my mind. I am in such a low place right now, words can't even describe. I feel absolutely hopeless. Matt has still not made a decision, even though I have begged and pleaded with him to please decide before Thanksgiving. I have gone from being relatively sure that he was going to say yes to now being relatively pessimistic. Why should it be taking him this long to decide if his answer is yes? And why couldn't he decide by Thanksgiving so I wouldn't have to be miserable again this year? To quote Anne of Green Gables "I am in the depths of despair".

I HATE feeling like this. I broke down crying today while decorating my tree. I don't even care about the holidays this year. I don't care about anything excpet becoming a mom. I have complete tunnel vision...that's absolutely all I can think about. The thing is, we have to let the lady at C.atholic C.harities know our answer THIS WEEK. Matt's "extension" has run out. We've addressed all his concerns, and I just don't understand why he can't make a decision either way... my entire future depends on his decision, and I just want to know either way. I got to this point with my uncertain infertility once...I just wanted to know once and for all if I was going to ever be able to get pregnant again. And when the answer finally came...it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Is that going to happen to me again? Is my heart going to be shattered in a million pieces again? I just want to know...and I am beginning to question my faith again. God can't possibly want someone to be this miserable and heartbroken time and time again...

Oh Christmas Tree...

Depending on which part of the country you are from, you may or may not have heard of this restaurant chain, Eat N Park. There's a bunch of them here in Western PA. The commercial below has been around for YEARS...at least 20, I'd say. It's been my favorite commercial since the first time I saw it. Back then, before the Internet, I would anxiously hope to see it on tv every year. I always said it's not Christmas until I see this commercial. I don't know what it is about this commercial, but it's always touched my heart. Here it is, thanks for the phenomenom known as the Internet!!! Enjoy!!!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

As most of you know, I live in a college town. They get several off-Broadway (I think) productions every year. Last year I went and saw Hairspray and Jesus Christ Superstar. Both were good! This past week I went and saw the Wizard of Oz. It was awesome!!! Except for one thing...the smoke machines they use set off the fire alarms! So about 30 minutes in, just as Dorothy was about to start off down the Yellow Brick road, the entire building had to evacuate! What a pain! We stood outside shivering for about 15 minutes and were then let back in and the show continued. It was really cool to watch a live production of a movie you have seen hundreds of time and know every word to. The tornado scene (which I used to make my mom fast forward through as a child, lol) was the best part...they used two giant screens with a moving 3D tornado video and had Dorothy in between the two screens, which made it seem like she was really in the tornado! Ah, technology...I was super impressed! The next production I'm going to see is Annie, another childhood favorite!

I'm just hoping that somewhere over the rainbow the dreams I dare to dream really do come true!!! If only I had a magic pair of ruby slippers...

G-L-A-M,O-R,O-U-S

(Fergie...or is it all of the Black Eyed Peas? I'm not sure...)

Tonight I went to a Mary Kay party and got a facial/makeover. It was fun! I'm on a continuous quest to find an eyeliner that will not disappear by 10 am...we'll see how this one does!

Last night I went to a Beauti Control (Spa) party. I know, I know, all this pampering this week! I think that Beauti Control products are a rip off. I had a party over two years ago, and their catalog is almost exactly the same. Boring! And so expensive! Anyhow, when I went to use the bathroom at this party, there was a scale, which I got on. I almost started crying when I saw those numbers flash. How in the world did I gain so much weight? 10 pounds since I was last on a scale! I weigh ALOT more than I did at almost 7 months pregnant. Gosh...I'm so depressed about this. So I vowed to start watching what I eat and cutting back on the amount of soda I drink in a day. But I went out to lunch with some friends and had two big pieces of pizza, and tonight I ate horrible snacks at the Mary Kay party. Ugh. I'm so disgusted with myself.

Also, no updates on the adoption front. Matt is still "processing", apparantly. I may kill him soon...just kidding. Don't mind me, I'm in a strange mood. I'll blame it on the high-calorie beer I drank tonight at the party.

I Just Want Something I Can Never Have...

(Nine Inch Nails) Today, this is so true...

I went to a P.ampered C.hef party today at my neighbor's house. As always, there was pregnancy talk. "When is C due? February?" "I hear that J is having a boy!" And then, someone said "When is E due? May?" This is when my heart leapt into my throat. E and I were pregnant at the same time. Her first baby was born two weeks after ^Angelia^'s due date. And now...she's having her second baby. And here I am, almost three years later, still with empty arms and an aching heart.

So today, as inspired by my song title above, I just want something I can never have. And that is to be, and feel normal! I don't want to hurt when I see a pregnant belly. I want to feel happy and get the warm fuzzies when I see a newborn baby. I want to not be jealous of what everyone else has, and I don't. I don't want to feel like the elephant in the room when people are talking about pregnancies. (I feel like everyone is looking at me with pity when this topic comes up, so I don't even look up to meet people's eyes)

I came home from this party and shut myself in our bedroom and cried. Deep, gulping sobs. I didn't want Matt to know what was happening, but he came back and asked what was wrong. I told him, and he said not a word and just left the room. Which made me cry even more. He will NEVER get it. NEVER. He will never know the ache inside me...and I just want it to go away.

Lookie!

I got all my hair chopped off! Check it out!


(Please excuse my messy living room in the background. I'm going to clean right now!)